Nunya

snapseedI have been disturbed for the past week regarding something that a co-worker said to me and also upset at myself for even engaging in the conversation and telling her my business to “prove her wrong.” Or more so to prove to her that I was doing everything in my power to make myself better.  I had said that one time in front of a few co-workers  and she said, “No you’re not.”  Who does that? This person is a co-worker. She knows minimal. She used to know more when I thought we were friends but that was years ago. Any time I have been out of work for a Medical Leave she and no one else texts, calls, or even act as if they care if I am still alive or not. It hurt at first years ago when I seriously thought I didn’t have much longer to live with all of my new health issues and hospitalizations. It was all new to me. Now I know it’s like the “new normal” yet with Lupus things never quite stay the same. I haven’t had a hospitalization for over a year now  (knock on wood). This is a big deal (to stay out of the ER and hospital). It’s been only about 3 months since I have been to the ER.

One day I was joking around (like I usually do) and I told (let’s call her Tuna) that I should work part time and focus on my business for my other “part time” job. (And  if you have your own business you know that it’s never a part-time or full-time job. It’s an all the time job). Tuna told me that would be a great idea.  I didn’t really expect a response since I always say silly or off-the-wall things that are impossibilities. She said that it would be better for me and my stress level. I was wondering what stress was she referring to?  I told her I couldn’t work part time  because if I ever got sick I would get fired because if I worked part time, I would never be eligible for FMLA.  I have made quite a few changes in my life. One being that I’m trying to be more compliant with all of my medication all of the time,  trying to eat healthier foods (although  it is difficult when I am such a picky eater and don’t like many things)- yet I’m trying,  I cut down my soda consumption to 0 to 2 cans a day,  I rarely drink juice anymore (The soda and the juice reduction is because of sugar). My co-workers keep hounding me about my sugar intake which are my daily drinks. I also drink a helluva lotta water,  I have been less stressed than usual and anything that might be bothering me I guess is mostly about being sick all the time.  Something that Tuna would not know anything about and I won’t be mean so I’ll stop there.

She then asked me  what happened to the disability thing? I wasn’t sure what she was talking about and  it took me a while to figure out that she was referring to the fact that they (my co-workers)  at one time wanted me to apply for disability and not work anymore. I think I mentioned parts of it in this blog before. I didn’t feel right about applying for disability because I feel like I am still capable of working. Sure I get sick easily when people want to come to work sick and cough on top of me and not warn me that they are sick or stay away from me knowing I’m on three medications that suppress my immune system.  In fact I’m sick right now.  Of course if I felt like I was still capable of working several years ago when it was very difficult for me then I certainly can work right now. I haven’t been in the hospital for over year. Sure my kidneys are not doing so well but it did better on the prednisone and the full dosage of CellCept.  And it is still better than it was. So we will see in February what these doctors have decided for me now.

So I told Tuna that I don’t think I would qualify for disability and that I feel like I can work and I don’t want to apply. She said that they were worried that I was going to get sick again because of the stress and I was still wondering what stress? But I didn’t want to ask, these conversations aren’t fun.  I thought, “Wow, why  don’t you start helping me one leg at a time into a coffin?”  Here I am suffering every day  in a different way but keep a smile on my face and I feel like I’m doing better and this person tells me that I need to stop working.  So I told her that I have everything covered and that I have the tools to help myself. And sarcastically she said, “What your medication?” That’s when I started to tell her too much because I felt like I had to defend myself. And that made me angrier because I told her things that I haven’t told anybody and she’s the last person I’d want to know these things that I have not even told my best friends yet. She had the gall to say that I still eat like crap. What the hell does she know about my life? From now on I’m putting all of my things in the refrigerator downstairs.  So I explained to her what I’ve been eating, which I put thought into and it is actually better than a lot of other things that even if they eat. She told me she didn’t realize that that’s what I’ve been eating. Really?!  I told her I’ve been seeing a therapist.  That is what I don’t want anyone to know.  And it’s none of anyone’s business. And I know that I cannot tell my coworkers anything about my life because they use it all against me. They told me that I got “sick” because I was stressed out because of this short term boyfriend and that stress was the reason I was hospitalized and my kidneys failed and everything. B.S. I also told her that I haven’t been stressing out like I used to. And that I realize that I’m only one person and can only do what I can do and I will never be able to finish everything in a day on certain days. And that is OK because I prioritize things. I ended up walking away,  having already said too much, feeling unwanted, feeling so judged and misunderstood…  never has she asked me, “how are you feeling?”  She doesn’t care but she has a lot to say on the subject now doesn’t she? I didn’t know that my health was so much a part of their business. I understand that they don’t want me to be out all the time but they have to understand that this is my life and I am making my own decisions. I’ve never judged her life or told her what she should and should not do.  I have never made assumptions about her life and then told her my thoughts and judgments on it.  I really cannot care less about her life or anyone else’s. I’m too busy living my own.  However I do care a lot when someone has the audacity to judge me on zero information or maybe old information.  And I’m not sure why they do it? And per the FMLA law, my job is protected as long as I stay within the  parameters of the law and my body doesn’t decide to go haywire too much.  It almost makes me wonder if FMLA protects me from people like this saying stupid stuff to me about not working anymore and applying for disability.  Not that I would say anything because I don’t want more problems.

I’m still not sure exactly why this is still bothering me about a week after it happened.  I did learn one thing, next time someone who doesn’t care starts telling me stuff like this, I will just walk away. I don’t care if it seems rude because they were rude in the first place to bring up my life and their ignorant and misinformed opinions on it.

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